How long it takes to truly forget and give up on someone or something that self once thought too precious in life. For some it might take days, month or years or maybe some will say that will remember forever and ever. And how long is the forever? I once thought the feeling is so strong, nothing can substitute it for it’s my all. My hope, my dream, my wish, my future and so on that will make my life so much better. I once think that I need and would love to have it as part of my life that my life would be so much better and I would be in a very contented and satisfied if I have it in my life. Sadly, life proves another way round.
The more I want, the less I get, and when I get lesser the more I am not happy. In the struggle to get more, I hurt and open up myself to being hurt more than I have being thought of. Many times I tried to give up, persuading myself that it’s not worth the time and energy but all in all it fell on death ears. I can tell friend that I have give up, but all my action show otherwise. The more I want to get close, the more distant we are until at one point in life that I started to question myself, is this what I want? I’m not happy and most of all I’m tired. Too tired to continue on but the heart felt too heavy to let go.
Life proves itself that if that someone or something is destined to be yours, with time and effort it will come closer and closer to you but if it’s not no matter how hard you try, it will never be yours. It will just grow more and more distant. All other aspect in life would suffer just for a simple wish and need that are never yours. Is it worthwhile? Now thinking back when the things no longer that important, self would say it’s not worthwhile but at the time where the things still hold a strong position in heart, I bet many people will say I will give anything in life just to get it.
Well, now that I have finally move on in life, I feel relief and happy. I realize that forever maybe is not the forever that we always mean. Forever might just be few years and off we go towards something new. I learn that we can’t forget the things or people we like and love but they are replaceable if we let them be. When we slowly found something else, and as time move on, we develop passion towards the new things, indirectly the feeling we have towards the old one would become lesser until one day it no longer hold a important position in heart anymore. I finally learn that to forget and let go just like that is impossible but to substitute it with something else it’s by all means possible. Maybe towards the new things it’s a bit unfair but trust me in the end the feeling they have towards you is deeper. Is it worthwhile? This is a question that only heart can give. But towards those that wish to forget those that they like before, it’s impossible. Unless you found someone or something you love more than the love you have now.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Intern Weeks
It's has been two weeks since i start my intern in Perak. Two weeks that has passed did not seems to go fast but at the same time it's not too slow. Everyday with a routine life. morning wake up, get ready, take breakfast and go to work. At workplace, counsel some client and breaktime. then continue work then can go back. quite bored with the routine job and some of the client was hard to handle.
Two weeks has passed,
Since the day we depart,
Times past fast,
For future soon become past.
Two weeks has passed,
Since the day we depart,
Times past fast,
For future soon become past.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
A New Chapter In Life
It's has been around 3 month i didn't update my blog. so many things that has happened in the three month. there are times when i enjoying myself in room, rushing for assignment, going out for a walk, hang out and so on. memorable and yet all these has passed. kinda miss the moment now. well i have spend 3 years from my life in sabah and i didn't regret it though there are the down times, disappointing times and so on, but over all when i look back now, its a very good training ground for me to grow more independently. i have live a life in hostel, cook for myself, being responsible for myself and so on.
and yet now that i gonna end that student chapter in my life, there are some hard feeling inside me.. there are many things that i really wish will continue on, but guess life got a better plan for me... its really true that there are no comfort zone in this world. we are like the mouse moving from one place to another to find a better cheese and no matter how much we like and miss the old place, when the time come we got carry on our journey exploring new place.
right now at this moment, i was sitting down at kl airport, waiting for the time to arrive to bring me to my destination. i was arriving back to the same ground three years back, the feelings was the same. i still remember at that time i was having a super heavy hearts to depart with my families, and right now at this moment, i deeply miss and having a super heavy hearts to depart with my friends. friends that go through deep and thin in 3 years of uni life. how we explore new places and food, how we back each other up in studies, how we care and understand for each other. really miss all these times.
three years alone outside in a foreign land that now has become my second home was totally unforgettable. guess its time for me to start a new chapter in my life. student life has just ended. undeniable, i did know more than the time that i was sitting here 3 years ago and all in all the 3 years was worthwhile.
to all my friends in sabah, i really miss our time together. but i guess now is the time we carry on our own path of life.
perhaps i really need some time to get over this sad feeling of depart but i knew that life has to go on.. if i didnt continue the journey, i never know what lies ahead that might prove to be better. gambate la... (hahahahaha... self talk pula). but the feelings i have now is hard to be describe by words....
and yet now that i gonna end that student chapter in my life, there are some hard feeling inside me.. there are many things that i really wish will continue on, but guess life got a better plan for me... its really true that there are no comfort zone in this world. we are like the mouse moving from one place to another to find a better cheese and no matter how much we like and miss the old place, when the time come we got carry on our journey exploring new place.
right now at this moment, i was sitting down at kl airport, waiting for the time to arrive to bring me to my destination. i was arriving back to the same ground three years back, the feelings was the same. i still remember at that time i was having a super heavy hearts to depart with my families, and right now at this moment, i deeply miss and having a super heavy hearts to depart with my friends. friends that go through deep and thin in 3 years of uni life. how we explore new places and food, how we back each other up in studies, how we care and understand for each other. really miss all these times.
three years alone outside in a foreign land that now has become my second home was totally unforgettable. guess its time for me to start a new chapter in my life. student life has just ended. undeniable, i did know more than the time that i was sitting here 3 years ago and all in all the 3 years was worthwhile.
to all my friends in sabah, i really miss our time together. but i guess now is the time we carry on our own path of life.
perhaps i really need some time to get over this sad feeling of depart but i knew that life has to go on.. if i didnt continue the journey, i never know what lies ahead that might prove to be better. gambate la... (hahahahaha... self talk pula). but the feelings i have now is hard to be describe by words....
Thursday, February 10, 2011
moment in penang and sabah.
this chinesse new year holiday was indeed a good one and i didnt regret even a single bit spending it in penang, my peaceful land. going out and online with no worries was really what i really need at that time... having great fun with soon ying visit, hanging out with amy, sue and hui wen and i learn a lot from all these gathering... thanks soon ying for coming to my place and have our chat together, telling me more about things in relationship pattern and the support you have give me.. thanks to amy and hui wen for all the advice and experiences you all share with me... dont worry, i will try to focus on things that i should and forget those that i should too...though its a bit hard i will move on.. one step at a time.. slow progression is better than no progression right... i hope i will confidently tell you my plan and how i see my self in 5 years from now the next time you ask me and not that disappointing words that i say.. to sue pula, thanks a lot... for the companionship, all the late night phone call and sms... hahahha.. i guess u know i wont stop and change unless i know the real reason for the problem, so thank you for pointing out all the point and analyzing it for me.. thanks for the surprises too.. hahahahhahaha...
well sabah life, hahahaha... i dont know... just knew many people asking me what have i done with my hair only.. hahahahaha... got to get going chasing the dreams i long abandon.... strive on.... hahahahahha....
well sabah life, hahahaha... i dont know... just knew many people asking me what have i done with my hair only.. hahahahaha... got to get going chasing the dreams i long abandon.... strive on.... hahahahahha....
Saturday, February 5, 2011
A Chapter To Close
A wrong words that being say,
A wrong action that have been done,
Made a lot of differences,
And also is a path that have no turning back
for the words that have been said,
whether with or without intention,
has create a full stop
and prevented us to move forward together.
along the way,
many apologies that have been made,
does not ease away the pain that has been cause,
and it made the hurt hurts and the sorry sorrier.
many things that self thought,
would work out fine,
silence perhaps can calm both of us down,
but i guess i was wrong all the while.
silence made the distance grow further,
perhaps it hurt you more,
but, i really dont know what should i do,
other than sorry, its still a sorry.
maybe my desperation of asking you for forgiveness,
indirectly hurt you more,
but i really dont know what should i do,
for i am too scared to face the confrontation again.
for the last time,
i made an apologies to you,
sorry for everything that i have cause,
and sorry is what i can tell you.
i get what you mean,
i know what you want now,
i know what should i do,
and i fully know all these is cause of self action.
i will slowly walk out from your life,
slowly made everything back to the point,
the point where i am a nobody
in your life.
it hurt me,
but i think i deserve it,
if that is the best for you,
that is the thing that i will be doing.
its time,
no way else to mend it,
with a guilty and broken heart,
i walk out,
i close this chapter of my life.
theng,
5/12/2011
12.59am
A wrong action that have been done,
Made a lot of differences,
And also is a path that have no turning back
for the words that have been said,
whether with or without intention,
has create a full stop
and prevented us to move forward together.
along the way,
many apologies that have been made,
does not ease away the pain that has been cause,
and it made the hurt hurts and the sorry sorrier.
many things that self thought,
would work out fine,
silence perhaps can calm both of us down,
but i guess i was wrong all the while.
silence made the distance grow further,
perhaps it hurt you more,
but, i really dont know what should i do,
other than sorry, its still a sorry.
maybe my desperation of asking you for forgiveness,
indirectly hurt you more,
but i really dont know what should i do,
for i am too scared to face the confrontation again.
for the last time,
i made an apologies to you,
sorry for everything that i have cause,
and sorry is what i can tell you.
i get what you mean,
i know what you want now,
i know what should i do,
and i fully know all these is cause of self action.
i will slowly walk out from your life,
slowly made everything back to the point,
the point where i am a nobody
in your life.
it hurt me,
but i think i deserve it,
if that is the best for you,
that is the thing that i will be doing.
its time,
no way else to mend it,
with a guilty and broken heart,
i walk out,
i close this chapter of my life.
theng,
5/12/2011
12.59am
Friday, January 28, 2011
A New LIfe?? Is It Possible??
Many things has happened since my last post and it has been around 5-6 month since i really sign in my blog and wrote something on it.... well many things has happened and i myself experience how separation that self thought is unbearable is after all not that bad, how life is so fragile and unpredictable that things you never thought will happened will actually happened, how a relationship slowly grow from distant to close and from close to totally a stranger and many many more.. many action and words that being said is questionable and do i feel regret for all that has happened? i dont know... i seriously dont know.... i wish to know too what i myself want from myself cause i am really in a state of confusion.
Three years spend studying psychology, i dont know it is a good choice or a wrong one. cause i feel that i get more into confusion and stuck nowadays compared to few years back.yes, along the way i do find out certain term on the behavior that i have been portray but sadly still didnt manage to find cure to cure myself.... the deeper i study, the more i think that i am not a really normal person and also started to associate self with various term and behavior that i dont even bother when i was in my secondary... was it a good things when you started to think more??? three years spend in sabah seriously change me a lot, i get into a lot of self confusion these three years.. feelings, emotion, attachment and all kinds of things.. serious speaking, i am tired... tired to feel things i think i should but shouldnt, tired to feel things i should but shouldnt, tired to being think and feel things i think i shouldnt but should, tired on how i try to made people accept myself as myself, having to explain things around and many more.. it do wear me out.. is this what they called growing up??
hearts that has being scattered, emotion run like roller coaster with sudden up and down really made me wish i got a stable life.. if give me a choice that knowing someone would bring me to a state of happiness till i feel i was in heaven for one moment and the next moment i put myself in hell cause of the changes in relationship, i rather not to have that person in my life.. at least life was more stable and happy... along the way in these three years, i know i slowly give up my hope and motivation and slowly strive more on building up friendship, though i did not regret fully my indirect action but i do wonder what life is if i choose to be alone and strive on things i want to achieve.. will life be different, would it be more stable... three years gonna end soon and soon enough i am going to start a new chapter in life... how i close this chapter before opening a new one?? would it be a happy ending or something that are not so happy?? i also dont know and i am too tired to continue to strive to know... last sem, many things to think, many situation to overcome... i seriously need someone who can support me along but that person is hard to find... people say, self is the best support that you need but i think i need more... maybe in the end, its also cause i have not fully mature in some of my action and thought or i am to naive in how this world work.....
Three years spend studying psychology, i dont know it is a good choice or a wrong one. cause i feel that i get more into confusion and stuck nowadays compared to few years back.yes, along the way i do find out certain term on the behavior that i have been portray but sadly still didnt manage to find cure to cure myself.... the deeper i study, the more i think that i am not a really normal person and also started to associate self with various term and behavior that i dont even bother when i was in my secondary... was it a good things when you started to think more??? three years spend in sabah seriously change me a lot, i get into a lot of self confusion these three years.. feelings, emotion, attachment and all kinds of things.. serious speaking, i am tired... tired to feel things i think i should but shouldnt, tired to feel things i should but shouldnt, tired to being think and feel things i think i shouldnt but should, tired on how i try to made people accept myself as myself, having to explain things around and many more.. it do wear me out.. is this what they called growing up??
hearts that has being scattered, emotion run like roller coaster with sudden up and down really made me wish i got a stable life.. if give me a choice that knowing someone would bring me to a state of happiness till i feel i was in heaven for one moment and the next moment i put myself in hell cause of the changes in relationship, i rather not to have that person in my life.. at least life was more stable and happy... along the way in these three years, i know i slowly give up my hope and motivation and slowly strive more on building up friendship, though i did not regret fully my indirect action but i do wonder what life is if i choose to be alone and strive on things i want to achieve.. will life be different, would it be more stable... three years gonna end soon and soon enough i am going to start a new chapter in life... how i close this chapter before opening a new one?? would it be a happy ending or something that are not so happy?? i also dont know and i am too tired to continue to strive to know... last sem, many things to think, many situation to overcome... i seriously need someone who can support me along but that person is hard to find... people say, self is the best support that you need but i think i need more... maybe in the end, its also cause i have not fully mature in some of my action and thought or i am to naive in how this world work.....
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Birthday
Birthday…. Is it really a day of celebration…. I also don’t know…. Over the years, I quite anticipate for the day to come for it’s a day I can call my day… strange enough this year I don’t really have the feeling to really care for the day…. It was the first time I realize that birthday was another day that pass, nothing special but how we view it is what make the differences. Maybe it’s because there are still something bothering me that I still not able to get rid of or should I say adapt with, maybe because of the assignment that for the first time I feel blank and stress to do it, maybe this and maybe that.. What I know is I don’t really feel like myself for the moment.
How I spend the day?? Morning, get up early to pass up assignment and it’s a good thing I wake up early for it enable me to fully utilize every minute and second of the day. Stay in school for some tutorial class, have lunch with a friend that I call jie jie, go out for short motor ride before attend the class and attend another class before lesson for the day finish. Next, we go out to a nice restaurant called ‘upperstar’ for dinner… well serious speaking I really don’t expect any surprise but my friends always manage to give me one.. I receive a personal cake from them and they say because of economy not really good so the cake also getting smaller, lighting up the candle, staring at the light, they ask me to make a wish… no wish coming out in my mind for I know what I really wish for will not come through.. staring at the small candle light, I feel a sense of feelings that even myself can’t explain… unexplainable in a sense that the light make you calm and wish to say out what really in heart but still it remain a secret. I blew the candle or maybe my friend blew it I don’t know… maybe we both blew it at the same time cause another friend ask why she blew it… continue the dinner and when finish go to toilet for a while and the real surprise come when I come back from toilet that is when I seated back on my seat, a birthday song being played in the background and there are people singing and clapping hands and the next moment you saw is a cake in front with candle lighting in it… I was speechless and a bit pai seh for I don’t know how should I react.. Dumbstruck should be a better word to describe and one of my friends called me to make a wish and blew the candle; the song will only stop after I blew my candle. Having another chance to make a wish, I still look at the candle, nothing come out and I just blew it… before I cut the cake, I manage to ask out one question, will birthday wishes come true? My friend say, trust and it will.. But I know very well what I hope for will not come true….. having 2 chance to make birthday wishes but for the moment I really don’t know what I should wish for… the one in mind is already a confirmation… well during the celebration I feel a bit of sad too cause this year is indeed a last year we are going to have a celebration together.. next year will never be the same… I dread for changes and goodbye but I know that is what I need to face and adapt… well thanks for all the birthday wishes and celebration that you all have planned.. sincere thanks from heart and a bit sorry cause not really in a birthday mood….
Theng
How I spend the day?? Morning, get up early to pass up assignment and it’s a good thing I wake up early for it enable me to fully utilize every minute and second of the day. Stay in school for some tutorial class, have lunch with a friend that I call jie jie, go out for short motor ride before attend the class and attend another class before lesson for the day finish. Next, we go out to a nice restaurant called ‘upperstar’ for dinner… well serious speaking I really don’t expect any surprise but my friends always manage to give me one.. I receive a personal cake from them and they say because of economy not really good so the cake also getting smaller, lighting up the candle, staring at the light, they ask me to make a wish… no wish coming out in my mind for I know what I really wish for will not come through.. staring at the small candle light, I feel a sense of feelings that even myself can’t explain… unexplainable in a sense that the light make you calm and wish to say out what really in heart but still it remain a secret. I blew the candle or maybe my friend blew it I don’t know… maybe we both blew it at the same time cause another friend ask why she blew it… continue the dinner and when finish go to toilet for a while and the real surprise come when I come back from toilet that is when I seated back on my seat, a birthday song being played in the background and there are people singing and clapping hands and the next moment you saw is a cake in front with candle lighting in it… I was speechless and a bit pai seh for I don’t know how should I react.. Dumbstruck should be a better word to describe and one of my friends called me to make a wish and blew the candle; the song will only stop after I blew my candle. Having another chance to make a wish, I still look at the candle, nothing come out and I just blew it… before I cut the cake, I manage to ask out one question, will birthday wishes come true? My friend say, trust and it will.. But I know very well what I hope for will not come true….. having 2 chance to make birthday wishes but for the moment I really don’t know what I should wish for… the one in mind is already a confirmation… well during the celebration I feel a bit of sad too cause this year is indeed a last year we are going to have a celebration together.. next year will never be the same… I dread for changes and goodbye but I know that is what I need to face and adapt… well thanks for all the birthday wishes and celebration that you all have planned.. sincere thanks from heart and a bit sorry cause not really in a birthday mood….
Theng
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