Many things has happened since my last post and it has been around 5-6 month since i really sign in my blog and wrote something on it.... well many things has happened and i myself experience how separation that self thought is unbearable is after all not that bad, how life is so fragile and unpredictable that things you never thought will happened will actually happened, how a relationship slowly grow from distant to close and from close to totally a stranger and many many more.. many action and words that being said is questionable and do i feel regret for all that has happened? i dont know... i seriously dont know.... i wish to know too what i myself want from myself cause i am really in a state of confusion.
Three years spend studying psychology, i dont know it is a good choice or a wrong one. cause i feel that i get more into confusion and stuck nowadays compared to few years back.yes, along the way i do find out certain term on the behavior that i have been portray but sadly still didnt manage to find cure to cure myself.... the deeper i study, the more i think that i am not a really normal person and also started to associate self with various term and behavior that i dont even bother when i was in my secondary... was it a good things when you started to think more??? three years spend in sabah seriously change me a lot, i get into a lot of self confusion these three years.. feelings, emotion, attachment and all kinds of things.. serious speaking, i am tired... tired to feel things i think i should but shouldnt, tired to feel things i should but shouldnt, tired to being think and feel things i think i shouldnt but should, tired on how i try to made people accept myself as myself, having to explain things around and many more.. it do wear me out.. is this what they called growing up??
hearts that has being scattered, emotion run like roller coaster with sudden up and down really made me wish i got a stable life.. if give me a choice that knowing someone would bring me to a state of happiness till i feel i was in heaven for one moment and the next moment i put myself in hell cause of the changes in relationship, i rather not to have that person in my life.. at least life was more stable and happy... along the way in these three years, i know i slowly give up my hope and motivation and slowly strive more on building up friendship, though i did not regret fully my indirect action but i do wonder what life is if i choose to be alone and strive on things i want to achieve.. will life be different, would it be more stable... three years gonna end soon and soon enough i am going to start a new chapter in life... how i close this chapter before opening a new one?? would it be a happy ending or something that are not so happy?? i also dont know and i am too tired to continue to strive to know... last sem, many things to think, many situation to overcome... i seriously need someone who can support me along but that person is hard to find... people say, self is the best support that you need but i think i need more... maybe in the end, its also cause i have not fully mature in some of my action and thought or i am to naive in how this world work.....
