After so many years living my life, I finally know and realise something.. all over the years, there are so many things i wish i can have or should i say i wish to do but i just didn't done it. and from there people started to realise that I'm sort of a person who only say but no action.. actually i do wish to be a person who not only say but actually did the things that i say but there are some fear in me that prevent me from really do the things that i want. fear indeed have a really big impact on all the action that i should but not done. and the fear here is apply to many aspect in life.
first fear, do you all really know that i actually wanted to be someone of importance. someone of importance here might be someone with post. but all through my life, i didn't hold any important post. not in primary school, secondary school and surely not in university. since first semester, I've been jokingly telling friends to vote for me when there is an election and when there is, i not even dare to make myself a nominee.. why?? partly, i didn't know how to register as a nominee but i think that a bullshit. i didn't take the effort to know or to ask around. secondly, i was not active. this is the contradiction that happened in my life.. i wish to have some position, but serious speaking, i not really comfortable with unknown people... and because of it very rare i will join groups.. so i just let the opportunity that knock the door slip through.. make a quiet entrance and i believe i will make a quiet living also. honest speaking, i fear failure.. failure in a sense of rejection.. fear have prevent me from getting so much things that i wish to have but still fear hold a large part in my life and my heart. another example of fear is during my tutorial class. the lecturer ask volunteer of people to go in front of the class and from there, there will be groups who will pick you up asking you to join their groups. this can test the popularity of a person in term of finding members of group assignment. i so wish to be there to know how many people or groups will ask me to join them but i fear.. i fear, nobody willing to pick me up and it will be very embarrass.. you see, fear again prevent me from doing something...
there are also friends who thought me to act as if today is the last day i'm alive and this will help me to be more daring to tell out things that i wish to say or inside my heart.. i guess my answer would bring disappointment to you all... actually i more willing to bring the things that i have in heart to my grave then to tell out.. why?? for me, as long as i didnt say out, there is a hope... if i say out and it turn out to be positive then its alright, but if it turn out to be negative then disappointment will crept in.... how to change if i dont even have the daring to face the fear of failing... maybe part of it is i cant accept the best that i can do is not the best after all...
so many things and yes there are so many things in my mind... and most of the time i just keep it inside my heart... who will know if i just keep it in heart?? i'm sure you all sure have this question, but when i do say out do people take me seriously.. i seriously doubt it... i really dont know how or who is the actual me in other people eyes.. so many different answer and all the answer is not consistent at all.. why wanted to know how people look at you, important is how you look at yourself. i used to say to myself but i guess society prove me wrong.. society have its ways of making you feel guilty by not following the norm of it...
one more things that i would like to share, i hold on tight with this principle in my life.. treat people by how you want to be treated.... dont judge and you will never be judge, understand people and you will be understood, help and you will be helped... well i guess with this principle that i have, sometime la, i feel very tired... cause things that happened is different... so different.... till i started to question it truth in it.... should i continue to hold on this principle or should i abandon it.... i guess the problem here is maybe i aspect people will do the same to me when i face the same situation but never once did i really get back what i have done.... maybe that the dissapointment... my temple teacher say that, when we do things, dont hope people will do the same back, just help without thinking of reward... but to really achieve that it need time... so sometime i say to myself, i help someone someone because i owe him or her in my previous life and i guess when i have this thinking, it help a bit..... overall can say i live a life that are full of contradiction.... i wish to know how to sort all out but in the time being, i guess it is unsortable.... wait till time teach me more
i guess my post here didnt quite link and i jump from here to there and from there to here but that is the thought i have in mind.... something i wish to change is how to be a better me in term of treating myself better.... love myself more... for i know very well the first and strictest judger of myself is myself... sometime i know i can show my temper when its suitable but i control it for i know i sure will feel guilty... what is the use of scolding people when will feel guilty later... so what i do, endure.... that why i rarely get angry and fight... but it come with a price.. a heavy price of endurance.....
theng
