The love of family.

Sitting alone infront of the table, busily preparing for exam, something out of nowhere make me open a powerpoint with the song goodbye. And it make me stop my work and think, after all the things that my family have done for me, what have I done to them. They are there all the times, all this while, and when I say all the times I do mean all the moment. They are there when I’m sick, they are there when I have nightmare at night, they are there to share my happy moments in life and they are the one who understand the reason why I scared of something while others just laugh and say they can’t harm you, don’t be childish, grow up and act like a adult and the list go long and long.
Everytime I go back, I get to eat everything that used to be my favourite and eventhough I request for it for everyday, mom will still cook it, dad would still eat it without any lament that they has it yesterday or the day before. It hit me that all this while, they are by my side, taking care of me, giving me love, a love that is irreplaceable and the love that can’t be judge by money and time. Eventhough sometime in life I feel hard to talk with my mom, I finally realize that all this while that I accused her for loving my brother more is not true. She love us differently and it doesn’t mean that she love me less. She was there all the while, fetching me thro and back from school in secondary, waiting for me when I have my extra class, making sure the food is on the table when I came back home from school, be by my side when I receive back my result for my major test such like PMR and SPM and tell me that if my result was not good it’s was ok and don’t worry so much. Mom also have a few accident before when fetching me to school, and some of the accident have left scar in her leg and yet she never once lament about it. All this while, she have given me so much and yet I still cant see out the love she have for me is equal to my bro. I will remember the time when I cry my heart out in her hug, she let me cry and with a soothing words she comfort me. Even till now, I still hear words of care she have for me from my bro. everytime she goes to the temple, everytime she pray at night, I know very well that she will have a prayer that ask god to take care of me, pray that I will be safe and sound. Everytime when there is deity birthday, she will ask about me, asking “azimat” from them and so on. If the deity say I was ok, she was relieve and when the deity say there are some difficulties that I would face, she will call me to make sure I was ok and pray even harder that I would be safe. All the worries that she have for me, the tears that she have when I break her hear, the sadness she have when I leave penang to continue my studies was hard to express by word.
Dad on the other hand also loves me to the extent that he can. Since small till now, his love towards me never once gets lesser. Eventhough now he no longer say out that he love me, his action show that I have an important position in his heart. When mom was working night shift, dad was the one who will make sure I am safe and not hungry in the night. Eveytime I have nightmare, dad was the one who will wake up from his nice sleep and console me. Dad was the one who are so willingly travel around just to buy something I like to eat, making sure I didn’t freeze in the midnight, cover me with blanket before he go to work, silently sign his name in all my low mark exam paper and my famous “lewat” without telling my mom. I will forever remember the first time I take flight to Sabah. He take my luggage for me as far as he can and if possible, he will take it inside the airplane where others dad just leave their own child take themselves. Say it if you want that my dad spoiled me, but I feel so great being love by him. I believe no one else would love me as deep as father love. A love that are full of forgiving, a love that are unconditional.
There are moments where our family faces the most heartache, saddest part in our life. And it’s hard to go on acting like nothing happened. Guess some of you all know what I mean here but majority doesn’t know. It might look like everyone carry on in life but it leaves a scar in our heart. A scar that will forever stay in the heart. Till today, sometime I still feel hard to ignore the scar, and when something touch it, tears are swelling in my eyes, blood will bleed out in the heart. I guess nobody will understand how I feel about it. For some I seems to carry on in my life, for some I seems more matured than my age, for some I seems to be too childish, for some I seems to be someone who will not listen unless being punish. There are so many me in the eyes of other people, which one is the real me?
Some will never know the hardship that I have in this life, the heartache I have before, for to them I’m too protected to know this type of feeling. But trust me, I face it and I feel it. It takes trust for me to tell someone what I really felt, especially something that will make my heart bleed. Most of you all sees the happy side of me, a side that never worries, never matured but does it say everything about me….. hahahaha…. I’m still searching for someone who understand and I definitely know it’s a hard search.

Theng
11/8/09

My birthday celebration.

this was the second year i celebrate my birthday far from home, without my family by my side... there something different in my special day this year compared to last year... well this year i feel a bit happy compared to last year lonely birthday... the night before, i went to my friend(2nd sis) room to sleep and inside my heart i secretly wish someone would at least call me and message me exactly at midnight but hope will always be hope for what i was been waiting wouldnt happened.... well that night we all sleep very late each busy with each things to do... when big sis prepared the bed, second sis suddenly ask us to stand up and the birthday song was been played... sadly, i assumed there are someone would call me at that time i tell her its still not yet 12o'clock.. her watch was fast by around 5 minute... minute pass fast and soon it's 12 midnight and past 12... the call or message that i been waiting will come didnt arrive.. since it so late, i give up that hope and go out to brush my teeth... third sis who are also going to brush her teeth wish me a happy birthday at the door... after that when i was preparing to sleep, first sis say that i'm big already and wish me a birthday wishes before each going to each wonderland.... that morning I have a tutorial class at 9a.m... everything when on as usual and around 10 am like that buddy send me a birthday wishes follow by amy... hahahahaha.. then follow by few friends..... at 2pm i have a class... a class that i not so like cause it's a math class... its not that i hate the class but i just dont love the class... maybe it's a math class and i dont like math eversince i started to fail in it..... after the class i receive a sms from friends that tell me uum close down due to H1N1 and because of the curiousity i called sue lin to confirm about it... we chat for a long time... during that time my 3 sisters with friend take me to 1 borneo mall.. all the way i was chatting with sue lin.. after a few walk around the mall, we settled down in Jaws Restaurant... as usual we was having our meal and when everything finish just as we plan to go off, out of sudden all of them sing happy birthday song and the waitress bring the cake to me... it was something i never expected... and the whole restaurant is empty so it look like they have booked the whole restaurant..... for me... its something very unexpected.. it was like in a movie.... maybe that something i never experience before.... well the restaurant was nice in its interior design.. it have something that i love that is fish.. since when i started to love fish... i cant answer you.... overall its was a touching and unexpected birthday celebration because some of my friends there just recover from sickness and at there they need to eat fried food... one more thing is they still celebrate my birthday for me although they are tight in financial due to ptptn loan coming out late..... things was great and i finally have the feelings that i no longer feel lonely on my birthday.. at least tears of lonely that i have during last year didnt repeat itself this years.... hopefully i will have a happy birthday next year before i go back to my hometown and celebrate it with my family on my side in the year after next....
It was loneliness that make you feel worthless, and yet it was loneliness who taught you how much you worth in other people heart...
happiness is hard to come and yet it flew away easily... you cant grab it too hard and you cant keep it... all you can do is just enjoy while it come, adapt when it go. its hard but if you manage to adapt it, there nothing in the world that would make you down...... enough of philosophy.. gtg to class so end here la....

Theng...