Many things has happened since my last post and it has been around 5-6 month since i really sign in my blog and wrote something on it.... well many things has happened and i myself experience how separation that self thought is unbearable is after all not that bad, how life is so fragile and unpredictable that things you never thought will happened will actually happened, how a relationship slowly grow from distant to close and from close to totally a stranger and many many more.. many action and words that being said is questionable and do i feel regret for all that has happened? i dont know... i seriously dont know.... i wish to know too what i myself want from myself cause i am really in a state of confusion.
Three years spend studying psychology, i dont know it is a good choice or a wrong one. cause i feel that i get more into confusion and stuck nowadays compared to few years back.yes, along the way i do find out certain term on the behavior that i have been portray but sadly still didnt manage to find cure to cure myself.... the deeper i study, the more i think that i am not a really normal person and also started to associate self with various term and behavior that i dont even bother when i was in my secondary... was it a good things when you started to think more??? three years spend in sabah seriously change me a lot, i get into a lot of self confusion these three years.. feelings, emotion, attachment and all kinds of things.. serious speaking, i am tired... tired to feel things i think i should but shouldnt, tired to feel things i should but shouldnt, tired to being think and feel things i think i shouldnt but should, tired on how i try to made people accept myself as myself, having to explain things around and many more.. it do wear me out.. is this what they called growing up??
hearts that has being scattered, emotion run like roller coaster with sudden up and down really made me wish i got a stable life.. if give me a choice that knowing someone would bring me to a state of happiness till i feel i was in heaven for one moment and the next moment i put myself in hell cause of the changes in relationship, i rather not to have that person in my life.. at least life was more stable and happy... along the way in these three years, i know i slowly give up my hope and motivation and slowly strive more on building up friendship, though i did not regret fully my indirect action but i do wonder what life is if i choose to be alone and strive on things i want to achieve.. will life be different, would it be more stable... three years gonna end soon and soon enough i am going to start a new chapter in life... how i close this chapter before opening a new one?? would it be a happy ending or something that are not so happy?? i also dont know and i am too tired to continue to strive to know... last sem, many things to think, many situation to overcome... i seriously need someone who can support me along but that person is hard to find... people say, self is the best support that you need but i think i need more... maybe in the end, its also cause i have not fully mature in some of my action and thought or i am to naive in how this world work.....
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Birthday
Birthday…. Is it really a day of celebration…. I also don’t know…. Over the years, I quite anticipate for the day to come for it’s a day I can call my day… strange enough this year I don’t really have the feeling to really care for the day…. It was the first time I realize that birthday was another day that pass, nothing special but how we view it is what make the differences. Maybe it’s because there are still something bothering me that I still not able to get rid of or should I say adapt with, maybe because of the assignment that for the first time I feel blank and stress to do it, maybe this and maybe that.. What I know is I don’t really feel like myself for the moment.
How I spend the day?? Morning, get up early to pass up assignment and it’s a good thing I wake up early for it enable me to fully utilize every minute and second of the day. Stay in school for some tutorial class, have lunch with a friend that I call jie jie, go out for short motor ride before attend the class and attend another class before lesson for the day finish. Next, we go out to a nice restaurant called ‘upperstar’ for dinner… well serious speaking I really don’t expect any surprise but my friends always manage to give me one.. I receive a personal cake from them and they say because of economy not really good so the cake also getting smaller, lighting up the candle, staring at the light, they ask me to make a wish… no wish coming out in my mind for I know what I really wish for will not come through.. staring at the small candle light, I feel a sense of feelings that even myself can’t explain… unexplainable in a sense that the light make you calm and wish to say out what really in heart but still it remain a secret. I blew the candle or maybe my friend blew it I don’t know… maybe we both blew it at the same time cause another friend ask why she blew it… continue the dinner and when finish go to toilet for a while and the real surprise come when I come back from toilet that is when I seated back on my seat, a birthday song being played in the background and there are people singing and clapping hands and the next moment you saw is a cake in front with candle lighting in it… I was speechless and a bit pai seh for I don’t know how should I react.. Dumbstruck should be a better word to describe and one of my friends called me to make a wish and blew the candle; the song will only stop after I blew my candle. Having another chance to make a wish, I still look at the candle, nothing come out and I just blew it… before I cut the cake, I manage to ask out one question, will birthday wishes come true? My friend say, trust and it will.. But I know very well what I hope for will not come true….. having 2 chance to make birthday wishes but for the moment I really don’t know what I should wish for… the one in mind is already a confirmation… well during the celebration I feel a bit of sad too cause this year is indeed a last year we are going to have a celebration together.. next year will never be the same… I dread for changes and goodbye but I know that is what I need to face and adapt… well thanks for all the birthday wishes and celebration that you all have planned.. sincere thanks from heart and a bit sorry cause not really in a birthday mood….
Theng
How I spend the day?? Morning, get up early to pass up assignment and it’s a good thing I wake up early for it enable me to fully utilize every minute and second of the day. Stay in school for some tutorial class, have lunch with a friend that I call jie jie, go out for short motor ride before attend the class and attend another class before lesson for the day finish. Next, we go out to a nice restaurant called ‘upperstar’ for dinner… well serious speaking I really don’t expect any surprise but my friends always manage to give me one.. I receive a personal cake from them and they say because of economy not really good so the cake also getting smaller, lighting up the candle, staring at the light, they ask me to make a wish… no wish coming out in my mind for I know what I really wish for will not come through.. staring at the small candle light, I feel a sense of feelings that even myself can’t explain… unexplainable in a sense that the light make you calm and wish to say out what really in heart but still it remain a secret. I blew the candle or maybe my friend blew it I don’t know… maybe we both blew it at the same time cause another friend ask why she blew it… continue the dinner and when finish go to toilet for a while and the real surprise come when I come back from toilet that is when I seated back on my seat, a birthday song being played in the background and there are people singing and clapping hands and the next moment you saw is a cake in front with candle lighting in it… I was speechless and a bit pai seh for I don’t know how should I react.. Dumbstruck should be a better word to describe and one of my friends called me to make a wish and blew the candle; the song will only stop after I blew my candle. Having another chance to make a wish, I still look at the candle, nothing come out and I just blew it… before I cut the cake, I manage to ask out one question, will birthday wishes come true? My friend say, trust and it will.. But I know very well what I hope for will not come true….. having 2 chance to make birthday wishes but for the moment I really don’t know what I should wish for… the one in mind is already a confirmation… well during the celebration I feel a bit of sad too cause this year is indeed a last year we are going to have a celebration together.. next year will never be the same… I dread for changes and goodbye but I know that is what I need to face and adapt… well thanks for all the birthday wishes and celebration that you all have planned.. sincere thanks from heart and a bit sorry cause not really in a birthday mood….
Theng
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Feelings....
hard and weird is the words,
to describe the feelings that i have,
it must be sounded weird,
for why i don't feel the happiness in owning something i plan.
it really weird,
why and how i choose to ignore it,
for a normal people,
will sure choose to take time to explore it.
it didn't come with the happiness i expect,
it's just the same with the first,
guess love will grow with time,
and time will let it grow.
many things that i wish to express,
no save way for me to do it,
no place for me to safely express it,
guess safest place is in heart and brain.
to describe the feelings that i have,
it must be sounded weird,
for why i don't feel the happiness in owning something i plan.
it really weird,
why and how i choose to ignore it,
for a normal people,
will sure choose to take time to explore it.
it didn't come with the happiness i expect,
it's just the same with the first,
guess love will grow with time,
and time will let it grow.
many things that i wish to express,
no save way for me to do it,
no place for me to safely express it,
guess safest place is in heart and brain.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Choice
time past fast,
postponed decision has to be made,
things in the heart,
must be voice out.
between 2 which should i choose,
one offer a better performance,
but is that what i needed,
another offer a satisfactory performance,
but will i be satisfied.
should i choose the one that offer more than i need,
knowing well all the extra burden i have to bear,
or choose a simple one,
just for the use for the moment.
should i follow the trend,
knowing what in today might not be tomorrow,
or choose one that i need,
that maybe old enough compare to my age.
having chosen between 2,
how to voice out my choice,
knowing well it attract more burden
to the one that i love.
postponed decision has to be made,
things in the heart,
must be voice out.
between 2 which should i choose,
one offer a better performance,
but is that what i needed,
another offer a satisfactory performance,
but will i be satisfied.
should i choose the one that offer more than i need,
knowing well all the extra burden i have to bear,
or choose a simple one,
just for the use for the moment.
should i follow the trend,
knowing what in today might not be tomorrow,
or choose one that i need,
that maybe old enough compare to my age.
having chosen between 2,
how to voice out my choice,
knowing well it attract more burden
to the one that i love.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Life in penang..
this semester break in penang was a fun wan at least till this moment. cant denied there are some thing that not so pleasant happened but overall its a nice wan.. have an outing with sue lin they all, bring one of my sabah friend walk around penang. although there are many place more that i can bring her go visit but serious speaking i'm having fun exploring penang road with her....
this semester break i also feel i'm getting more rapat with soon ying. it's feel like 5 years ago when i was in f4 and f5 where we both will have endless chat after tuition, eat together and having fun together... as time past in between where each busy with each life, this semester break really strengthen our friendship.... having great fun chatting with her, gossiping around and definitely commenting someone and something.. hahahahhahahahha... endless fun.... we also have kerang feast where both of us finish nearly 2kg kerang by ourself and making tang yuan... well our tang yuan was as big as fish ball. hahahahahhaahaha... full on first serving and only the greatest will ask for third serving but till now no one... hahahahhahahahhaha... and also maple tips.... hahahahhahahahaha..... memorable....
this semester break i also feel i'm getting more rapat with soon ying. it's feel like 5 years ago when i was in f4 and f5 where we both will have endless chat after tuition, eat together and having fun together... as time past in between where each busy with each life, this semester break really strengthen our friendship.... having great fun chatting with her, gossiping around and definitely commenting someone and something.. hahahahhahahahha... endless fun.... we also have kerang feast where both of us finish nearly 2kg kerang by ourself and making tang yuan... well our tang yuan was as big as fish ball. hahahahahhaahaha... full on first serving and only the greatest will ask for third serving but till now no one... hahahahhahahahhaha... and also maple tips.... hahahahhahahahaha..... memorable....
Daddy day post...
as usual a post to daddys especially mine on father day... well daddy i make you a poem. this poem i writo sometime back when i was in sabah while waiting for another class to start...
Feelings..
Words are hard to be say,
feelings are even harder to be expressed,
of how i feel towards you,
deep down in my heart.
So wish do I
tightly hug you in my embraces,
to listen to your heart beat,
to smell the fragrance of your body.
but these are the things that i can never done,
i do love you deep down in my heart,
but the courage to hug and say i love you,
is something i can hardly do.
i will always remember ,
of the time when you proclaim to the world,
how much you love me,
how important I am to you.
For it's that moment,
i feel being love,
I feel being taken care of,
by a hero and that you.
Always in my mind,
times when i'm small.
how you hold my hand,
how you teach me math.
never once you feel tired,
never once you loose your temper,
even though you explain the same thing
and i still make same mistake
you choose to teach,
with patient and love
you choose to educate
with self as a role model.
from you i learn,
anger can't solve problem,
quiet is the best solution
and silence is for the strong.
time past fast,
but doesn't erased the love i have towards you,
for it deepened as days past by,
and i love you more and more with time that past.
forever you'll be,
the hero in my life,
as i forever will be
the little angel of your heart.
Feelings..
Words are hard to be say,
feelings are even harder to be expressed,
of how i feel towards you,
deep down in my heart.
So wish do I
tightly hug you in my embraces,
to listen to your heart beat,
to smell the fragrance of your body.
but these are the things that i can never done,
i do love you deep down in my heart,
but the courage to hug and say i love you,
is something i can hardly do.
i will always remember ,
of the time when you proclaim to the world,
how much you love me,
how important I am to you.
For it's that moment,
i feel being love,
I feel being taken care of,
by a hero and that you.
Always in my mind,
times when i'm small.
how you hold my hand,
how you teach me math.
never once you feel tired,
never once you loose your temper,
even though you explain the same thing
and i still make same mistake
you choose to teach,
with patient and love
you choose to educate
with self as a role model.
from you i learn,
anger can't solve problem,
quiet is the best solution
and silence is for the strong.
time past fast,
but doesn't erased the love i have towards you,
for it deepened as days past by,
and i love you more and more with time that past.
forever you'll be,
the hero in my life,
as i forever will be
the little angel of your heart.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
something i really wish to change.
there are many time i face lots of problem because i unable to take a stand.... how to support a particular party when you truly understand how and why each party have their own point..... sometime i really hate myself for this... why feel so much... choose one party and fight till the end.. aren't its good... why wanna be the middle person.... but i knew very well i cant... haiz... how to deal with this thing....
second thing , something i dont like about myself is why i usually dont have the courage to say out my mind.... and think lead to me unable to be true to myself.... truly envy some of my friend that can stand up for their friends and love ones... why i cant do it.. did i really wanted so much to be in people good book.... did I....
third thing is when will i learn to be more responsible.... haiz.. i also don't understand why its so hard for some of my friend to believe in my ability.... when i say i will it means that i will.... why question when you want to find me.... haiz... i found out that actually i mind.. infarct i too mind how people view and say about me.. every question of doubt that you throw out will lead to two ending.. one is i getting nervous and start to doubt my own capabilities, second thing is i do more things you say its wrong just to prove you wrong will definitely earn me another good title of being stuborn...
after all that i say.. is it really my problem... i have try to change.. but change back to usual self real soon..... is my nature really that week..... getting tired of being label stubborn, indecisive and all sort of title i get..... sometime i just wish i find more people that understand me.... someone who i dont need to explain things and she know its not me, someone who wont be afraid and question on my ability to bring them from one place to one place.... haiz.... after all problem still lies in me..... too mind for other feeling and i will see for myself how this feeling kill me in no time....
second thing , something i dont like about myself is why i usually dont have the courage to say out my mind.... and think lead to me unable to be true to myself.... truly envy some of my friend that can stand up for their friends and love ones... why i cant do it.. did i really wanted so much to be in people good book.... did I....
third thing is when will i learn to be more responsible.... haiz.. i also don't understand why its so hard for some of my friend to believe in my ability.... when i say i will it means that i will.... why question when you want to find me.... haiz... i found out that actually i mind.. infarct i too mind how people view and say about me.. every question of doubt that you throw out will lead to two ending.. one is i getting nervous and start to doubt my own capabilities, second thing is i do more things you say its wrong just to prove you wrong will definitely earn me another good title of being stuborn...
after all that i say.. is it really my problem... i have try to change.. but change back to usual self real soon..... is my nature really that week..... getting tired of being label stubborn, indecisive and all sort of title i get..... sometime i just wish i find more people that understand me.... someone who i dont need to explain things and she know its not me, someone who wont be afraid and question on my ability to bring them from one place to one place.... haiz.... after all problem still lies in me..... too mind for other feeling and i will see for myself how this feeling kill me in no time....
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