Daddy day post...

as usual a post to daddys especially mine on father day... well daddy i make you a poem. this poem i writo sometime back when i was in sabah while waiting for another class to start...
Feelings..

Words are hard to be say,
feelings are even harder to be expressed,
of how i feel towards you,
deep down in my heart.

So wish do I
tightly hug you in my embraces,
to listen to your heart beat,
to smell the fragrance of your body.

but these are the things that i can never done,
i do love you deep down in my heart,
but the courage to hug and say i love you,
is something i can hardly do.

i will always remember ,
of the time when you proclaim to the world,
how much you love me,
how important I am to you.

For it's that moment,
i feel being love,
I feel being taken care of,
by a hero and that you.

Always in my mind,
times when i'm small.
how you hold my hand,
how you teach me math.

never once you feel tired,
never once you loose your temper,
even though you explain the same thing
and i still make same mistake

you choose to teach,
with patient and love
you choose to educate
with self as a role model.

from you i learn,
anger can't solve problem,
quiet is the best solution
and silence is for the strong.

time past fast,
but doesn't erased the love i have towards you,
for it deepened as days past by,
and i love you more and more with time that past.

forever you'll be,
the hero in my life,
as i forever will be
the little angel of your heart.

something i really wish to change.

there are many time i face lots of problem because i unable to take a stand.... how to support a particular party when you truly understand how and why each party have their own point..... sometime i really hate myself for this... why feel so much... choose one party and fight till the end.. aren't its good... why wanna be the middle person.... but i knew very well i cant... haiz... how to deal with this thing....
second thing , something i dont like about myself is why i usually dont have the courage to say out my mind.... and think lead to me unable to be true to myself.... truly envy some of my friend that can stand up for their friends and love ones... why i cant do it.. did i really wanted so much to be in people good book.... did I....
third thing is when will i learn to be more responsible.... haiz.. i also don't understand why its so hard for some of my friend to believe in my ability.... when i say i will it means that i will.... why question when you want to find me.... haiz... i found out that actually i mind.. infarct i too mind how people view and say about me.. every question of doubt that you throw out will lead to two ending.. one is i getting nervous and start to doubt my own capabilities, second thing is i do more things you say its wrong just to prove you wrong will definitely earn me another good title of being stuborn...
after all that i say.. is it really my problem... i have try to change.. but change back to usual self real soon..... is my nature really that week..... getting tired of being label stubborn, indecisive and all sort of title i get..... sometime i just wish i find more people that understand me.... someone who i dont need to explain things and she know its not me, someone who wont be afraid and question on my ability to bring them from one place to one place.... haiz.... after all problem still lies in me..... too mind for other feeling and i will see for myself how this feeling kill me in no time....

Time For Some Serious Thinking

maybe the time is now for me to really consider which one i will choose to be my upcoming lover...... which one should i choose...... both have the criteria that i want but cant denied one did stand out from another..... thinking of asking advice but there it goes to the usual fong theng that are unable to make self decision.... and its hard to find a person who can explain it to me and not indirectly asking me to choose what being suggested..... my inner voice sometime yield to be rebelious.. so the more a person ask me to take that particular one. indirectly i will choose the one that are not suggested.... so its really hard for me to find a suitable person who can really give me the advice that i one..... maybe what being suggested is good enough for me but i knew well i wont really be able to control my self rebellion...
used to say... inner is more important than the outside... thought it was my principle for so long but actually did i really that cool not to really care the outer surface.... i guess not... i knew well the one that i should choose but a sense of pride, a sense of being unique hold me from really choose it.... between two... which one will i take....
sometime... something in my heart that are really hard to share out with people outside.. maybe they are hard to understand and will just label me as being stubborn... a gelaran i earn myself unconsciously and maybe the more people say the more i would like to show the stubbornest out..... but to be truely speaking.. sometime.. something that you say make me feel i'm being threatened and thus make me do things opposite of what being told just to prove you are wrong.... weird me but on the positive side that the uniqueness of a person i called myself....

theng

Time for a new Lover

its being some time since i wrote my previous post and hence update my blog... well... after all that i face, now that i look back on how i undergone what i label as hell week, i only got one word for myself..... proud... i still couldnt believe how i manage to pass the week... sleepless night, assignment all on dateline, few arguement with friends and many more... and still the week pass....
back to second thing.... My Lover..... Lover Lover.... why you leave me... i mengaku that i got the thinking of throw you, but i didnt do it... i just say only... but you.. you take it so real... not even give me a second chance to explain my love towards you... one action is enough for you to erase all the memories of our get together... and you are very cruel... you left and bring together with you all my important stuff.... all gone with you in momment i need.... but.. there is a but... i still love you.... you are always my first... nothing can replace this position you earn in my life and my heart.... i guess its time for you to rest and pass me to another... maybe you are tired... but rest assured you live in my heart...
now tht my lover have gone... its time for a new one...... i promise i care for you with my heart and i know my weakness... i will never repeat the same mistake but i do hope you will be a pleasant one.... hopefully your love is equal to mine if you cant love me more....
as for my hostel... i get into campus hostel... but there are still something i worry about.... then for my water tumbler... i will find 1 in penang..... hope will last.......

BAD LUCK..........

so many things have happened in such a short short time.... this year can be counted i lost most of my belongings.....first thing first... i lost 2 water tumbler in less then 3 month... sad to think is i really choose and pick before buy the first wan... brother suggestion... use the water mineral bottle... lost buy again.... second... my laptop give me problem... this time might be really big problem.... whole thing can not start... black screen... all this happened after i put it in a sleep mode or maybe after i transfer documents to group member.... kena attack from virus, it time for it to go... nobody knows.... ask few friends about my laptop condition... some say is monitor problem, some say hardware, some say motherboard, some say processor... what do i say headache.... what i really tak sampai hati is the document in it... my stories, my video, my picture, my notes, my previous assignment, my flight intinery.. all gone.... gone and i dont have a extra copy... so what can i say.. other than heartbreak also heartbreak.... impossible i get back inside things if i change the so called kerosakan... plus the cost summore.... HAIZ.. rosak in wrong time summore.... people wanna rush assignment time only breakdown.... was it a sign from god telling me i should study and that why he takes away my laptop... well if that so, the price i have to pay is too big liao... not even really dare to tell family laptop problem... sure bro say again.... haiz... third.. cause i dont believe the early bird get worms,so i choose to register a bit late... guess what happened.. the line breakdown... can not log in to the server... due date just tomorrow.. so another one word that is die... maybe indirectly i choose to stay outside but that not really my plan... dont know la.. leave to god.... human propose, god dispose......

control

there are a few post that i write half way that i have not being able to finish it up yet.. will post it sometime soon. one thing i wish to share here is i feel i'm getting more and more hard to control myself. i dont know why but i feel very rebelious nowadays. not rebelious with family but with friends. i just feel the urge to prove my point and rebel what they say.. what happened to me... i just cant seems to control myself anymore. is it from the effect i too controling myself. i need to control it back but now i'm lost, totally lost in how i will manage to do that. i also dont know how to explain... guess there are something wrong with me somewhere out of no where.... haiz..... i also dont know how this attitude will come and hit me where by right i'm already over the rebelious period... can it be say that my development terbantut that now only i grow..... haiz.... could someone please tell me how to control back myself....
because of my rebelious attitude that hit me nowadays, i feel that i indirectly hurt some of my friend or maybe i'm too sensitive but i dont really enjoy this rebelious attitude.. haiz.... there are also something wrong with me also in my trust towards my own life principle... i dont know why but i seems to question back my own principle which i have honour for few years already.... guess the devil of me started to show it kewujudan and if the angel side of me cant win this war, everything gone.... it sound like i'm mad right... fighting with self thought, i do scared i will..... oh god.... guess i should find time to relax back my mind before i do gone mad... now i know too much question on moral values is not good for mind.. and being a psychologist student, i cant seems to help myself also.... haiz.... how to balanced the evil and the angel side of me.... i truely need help.......

Something I wish I can sucessfully overcome.

After so many years living my life, I finally know and realise something.. all over the years, there are so many things i wish i can have or should i say i wish to do but i just didn't done it. and from there people started to realise that I'm sort of a person who only say but no action.. actually i do wish to be a person who not only say but actually did the things that i say but there are some fear in me that prevent me from really do the things that i want. fear indeed have a really big impact on all the action that i should but not done. and the fear here is apply to many aspect in life.
first fear, do you all really know that i actually wanted to be someone of importance. someone of importance here might be someone with post. but all through my life, i didn't hold any important post. not in primary school, secondary school and surely not in university. since first semester, I've been jokingly telling friends to vote for me when there is an election and when there is, i not even dare to make myself a nominee.. why?? partly, i didn't know how to register as a nominee but i think that a bullshit. i didn't take the effort to know or to ask around. secondly, i was not active. this is the contradiction that happened in my life.. i wish to have some position, but serious speaking, i not really comfortable with unknown people... and because of it very rare i will join groups.. so i just let the opportunity that knock the door slip through.. make a quiet entrance and i believe i will make a quiet living also. honest speaking, i fear failure.. failure in a sense of rejection.. fear have prevent me from getting so much things that i wish to have but still fear hold a large part in my life and my heart. another example of fear is during my tutorial class. the lecturer ask volunteer of people to go in front of the class and from there, there will be groups who will pick you up asking you to join their groups. this can test the popularity of a person in term of finding members of group assignment. i so wish to be there to know how many people or groups will ask me to join them but i fear.. i fear, nobody willing to pick me up and it will be very embarrass.. you see, fear again prevent me from doing something...
there are also friends who thought me to act as if today is the last day i'm alive and this will help me to be more daring to tell out things that i wish to say or inside my heart.. i guess my answer would bring disappointment to you all... actually i more willing to bring the things that i have in heart to my grave then to tell out.. why?? for me, as long as i didnt say out, there is a hope... if i say out and it turn out to be positive then its alright, but if it turn out to be negative then disappointment will crept in.... how to change if i dont even have the daring to face the fear of failing... maybe part of it is i cant accept the best that i can do is not the best after all...
so many things and yes there are so many things in my mind... and most of the time i just keep it inside my heart... who will know if i just keep it in heart?? i'm sure you all sure have this question, but when i do say out do people take me seriously.. i seriously doubt it... i really dont know how or who is the actual me in other people eyes.. so many different answer and all the answer is not consistent at all.. why wanted to know how people look at you, important is how you look at yourself. i used to say to myself but i guess society prove me wrong.. society have its ways of making you feel guilty by not following the norm of it...
one more things that i would like to share, i hold on tight with this principle in my life.. treat people by how you want to be treated.... dont judge and you will never be judge, understand people and you will be understood, help and you will be helped... well i guess with this principle that i have, sometime la, i feel very tired... cause things that happened is different... so different.... till i started to question it truth in it.... should i continue to hold on this principle or should i abandon it.... i guess the problem here is maybe i aspect people will do the same to me when i face the same situation but never once did i really get back what i have done.... maybe that the dissapointment... my temple teacher say that, when we do things, dont hope people will do the same back, just help without thinking of reward... but to really achieve that it need time... so sometime i say to myself, i help someone someone because i owe him or her in my previous life and i guess when i have this thinking, it help a bit..... overall can say i live a life that are full of contradiction.... i wish to know how to sort all out but in the time being, i guess it is unsortable.... wait till time teach me more
i guess my post here didnt quite link and i jump from here to there and from there to here but that is the thought i have in mind.... something i wish to change is how to be a better me in term of treating myself better.... love myself more... for i know very well the first and strictest judger of myself is myself... sometime i know i can show my temper when its suitable but i control it for i know i sure will feel guilty... what is the use of scolding people when will feel guilty later... so what i do, endure.... that why i rarely get angry and fight... but it come with a price.. a heavy price of endurance.....

theng