A New Year, A New Perspective

Its been a really long time since I really got the mood to update blog. Have a feeling that what i write in this blog is meant for me to read up when i feel so on what has happened along the ways in this few years. after looking back i do feel like wao, i have faced many things in all these years and have successfully overcome some of it also. from all the things that i have faced, whether i'm too stubborn to hold on or too easy in giving up, it all teach me things that i learn and remember for life. guess it wasn't that bad anyway. In this short 1 years plus after i have graduated, i really see a lot in many aspect such like communication, relationship, career, dreams and all those childhood fantasy. been hurt a lot as well along the way with the truth that are so hard to bear that self always thought it's impossible. First full time job really teach me a lot and not only mold me in my career but teach me a lot of life experience as well. being hurt in it before but thank god, i move on. teach me a great lesson and now when i look back i thank god for it. it teach me lesson when i'm young and not do so when i'm a bit older. pack and sort all the feeling and carried on with life.. Likewise my ever popular saying, life goes on. In the aspect of relationship, i learn a lot as well. trying to put my feelings in different people and experience different things along the ways. there are a few where i not dare to confess, while there are those where i confess whether indirectly or direct. although the answer is always disappointing, i truely believe all i need is time. have faith that i sure will find the best one that will complete me as i complete that particular person.really thankful for one of my friend who awaken me from my dream/sleep where i can see so much fake hope in it but in actual the relationship is not meant to be. now that i have fully realise, its time to move on. In the aspect of career, i really can sense and see god planning more clearly. though my starting was not that good, it brings me to where i am now. very happy and glad to say that i'm looking forward to go to work and i want to achieve things and i derived satisfaction from the work i done. i plan for things i want to do now rather than wait for work to be given to me. i very hope my job now would bring me to greater heights and mold me into a better, more skillful and more successful with great confidence researcher. a job that never in my mind before but i'm very happy in it. met a friend recently and when she hear that i am a researcher, she say this job really suit me compare to my dream job. anyway and anyhow, i do love my job and looking forward to achieve more in this field. on some other aspect such like studies, i will never give up. though disappointment after disappointment, i will strive on. quit is never in my dictionary. its alright if you doesn't want me but don't one day you beg me to serve you after i have been success.for i truly believe i will achieve success. its your waste that you didnt see the value of a valuable diamond which only need some polishing work. after other craftsmanship has polish the diamond, i can bet, no matter how much you willing to pay, the diamond is something you can never get. being positive is what i get back for i now can sense hope after hope in life. i truly like my thought and perspective in life now for its something i feel i have lost and now i found back. the happiness in finding things that has being lost, is unexplainable. in this new year, i can sense that its going to be a long and challenging year but i am all awaiting for it. i have tuned myself to be more positive and think of failure as opportunity to achieve more in life.. being positive and path the road according to opportunities is really great. will update soon on more positive step i take. until then bye.

Awaiting for answer in all aspect

it really been a long long long time since i update this blog. all the while as time pass by there have been things coming and going and come back again. as i sitting down here updating my blog, i guess i have done every part that i have to do and now is the time i waiting for the answer for majority aspect in my life. as i pass the time, i feel that my life is getting more and more complicated with more and more decision to make,opportunity to take or just leave it as it is, and so on but its all part of growing up and ya... i do grow with time... though there still are some stubbornness in me but i do grow.... awaiting awaiting and awaiting for an answer, a future perhaps but most importantly, i more or less prepared myself for the answer whether good or bad, i guess i have some preparation in me d.

Conversation Between Brain And Heart

Brain : He/She not really pretty/handsome. There are more better looking and better one outside.
Heart : I know but its the feel that u dont know. There are indeed better one outside but the feel is different.

Brain : Have you tried to make that yours?
Heart : I did wish i tried but i scared of the outcomes
Brain : Coward, if u really want, why not ask?
Heart : You say till so easy, why dont you think of ways to ask?
Brain : Hard. Many consequences. you dare to face the outcome??
Heart : Just lower to the minimum the hurt that i would receive
brain : A broken mirror, no matter how many pieces its broken, its still broken.

Brain : Since you not dare, why hope and not forget?
Heart : if forget was so much easier, do you think i will hang on for so long?
Brain : If hang on make you so much suffering, why you choose to be?
Heart : its cause you cant forget the times of being together and now you scolded me for hanging on?
Brain : come on, cant you just be a bit wild. Look around, feel around. when u found someone better eventually i wont think the great times..
Heart : come on. you keep me occupied with these thought and you still want me to have fun?

Brain : Ignore her/him and carried on in life. dont waste time and dont because of one tree you give up the whole forest.
heart : Ignore?? say is easy. i have feel you know. i worried, i cared.
Brain : worried something else, care someone else..
Heart : i wish too... But that something i cant explain with words and you cant analyze feeling which are cant describe by words.

Brain : Come on. Its useless.. no future.. you dont even know how he/she feel. you dont even know if she/he can accept you
Heart : I dont care future, what i care is the present. he/she was nice, close to me. and i feel a sense of happiness, security when with him/her
brain : Useless coward, you wanna waste your whole life for this. A present that no future
Heart : I dont know, i dont wish too.

Dear brain and heart,
if only you both can compromise, i guess i would be better by now.

A Wish

Some where deep down in heart,
there is always a wish,
the one wish that self very hope to happened,
but knowing well it won't

the wish to always be near,
the wish to always be there,
the wish to always be fist,
and the wish to always be the last

however life show a different things,
for there are something in life that cant be force,
with one side that are wishing
another that are rejecting.

accept and move on,
everybody say it,
its very easy to say,
that simple fact that everybody knows

but for self,
was it that easy to just accept,
and move on,
i've tried and still trying.

it's hard when all the norms,
no longer is the norms,
when the fun and closeness,
that once had,
begin to fade away with time

accept and move on,
this is what the heart told the self,
but something deep down,
a rebellious voice shouting to be heard

i have tried,
i have done all i can,
do you think its what i want,
i wish to, to forget and carried on,
but the feeling just won't subsidies.

its a new wound,
that replace the old one,
what funny is,this wound is self who open it
without self realize it.

it takes 3 years,
for the old one to fully heal,
how long will this heal,
longer, shorter, nobody knows.

to be honest,
there is still a tiny little hope,
that we might be indeed together,
that u will and can accept me.

knowing this wish in heart,
self know that there are small hope,
a hope that might increase the time,
to truly forget and continue on in life

sometime what self know and what self hope,
completely contradict with each other,
knowing if one success, another will suffer much,
but what can self do???

if i cant have you,
i do hope that there will be a better one for you,
i do hope that you will have more happiness
with the one that are destined for you.

New Begining Coming Soon

New phrase of life will be open very soon and i do hope that it would be a very much better one. along the way, i found many answer to many confusing question in my heart and also obtain a few confirmation answer to move on in life. hope the new chapter will indeed bring a better life.

Enlightened but Heavy to let go

Two weeks.. that all it takes for me to truly know what i want in life.. my planning in the future, the road that i want to walk. i knew it all. travel to some place, knowing and tried before life that i dreaming to walk on only knowing that i dont like it at all. but the trip prove worthwhile after all. many information and feelings that i manage to sort out. Now i truly know what i want in life, and i even draft out my plan which will be achieve latest in ten years time.
all in all, there are things that self got to let go. heavy hearts, sometime there are a urge to just follow and protect, be there for the person but its something that quite contrast with what self want. goodbye, knowing it would change everything really is something not good but to follow and make it not the full stop was a decision not really easy to be make. guess life has its planning, god has its way....

The Final Success

How long it takes to truly forget and give up on someone or something that self once thought too precious in life. For some it might take days, month or years or maybe some will say that will remember forever and ever. And how long is the forever? I once thought the feeling is so strong, nothing can substitute it for it’s my all. My hope, my dream, my wish, my future and so on that will make my life so much better. I once think that I need and would love to have it as part of my life that my life would be so much better and I would be in a very contented and satisfied if I have it in my life. Sadly, life proves another way round.
The more I want, the less I get, and when I get lesser the more I am not happy. In the struggle to get more, I hurt and open up myself to being hurt more than I have being thought of. Many times I tried to give up, persuading myself that it’s not worth the time and energy but all in all it fell on death ears. I can tell friend that I have give up, but all my action show otherwise. The more I want to get close, the more distant we are until at one point in life that I started to question myself, is this what I want? I’m not happy and most of all I’m tired. Too tired to continue on but the heart felt too heavy to let go.
Life proves itself that if that someone or something is destined to be yours, with time and effort it will come closer and closer to you but if it’s not no matter how hard you try, it will never be yours. It will just grow more and more distant. All other aspect in life would suffer just for a simple wish and need that are never yours. Is it worthwhile? Now thinking back when the things no longer that important, self would say it’s not worthwhile but at the time where the things still hold a strong position in heart, I bet many people will say I will give anything in life just to get it.
Well, now that I have finally move on in life, I feel relief and happy. I realize that forever maybe is not the forever that we always mean. Forever might just be few years and off we go towards something new. I learn that we can’t forget the things or people we like and love but they are replaceable if we let them be. When we slowly found something else, and as time move on, we develop passion towards the new things, indirectly the feeling we have towards the old one would become lesser until one day it no longer hold a important position in heart anymore. I finally learn that to forget and let go just like that is impossible but to substitute it with something else it’s by all means possible. Maybe towards the new things it’s a bit unfair but trust me in the end the feeling they have towards you is deeper. Is it worthwhile? This is a question that only heart can give. But towards those that wish to forget those that they like before, it’s impossible. Unless you found someone or something you love more than the love you have now.